Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
