Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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