guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
