3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
