Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
