More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
FUCK WHALES
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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