Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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