What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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