kristin has been a bad kristin
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
