i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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