Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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