I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
