sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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