I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
