Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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