I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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