there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
