Texts From Last Night · oliviacitygirl's Favorites

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oliviacitygirl's Favorites Texts:

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(408): View more from California

I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So. How about you can get tequila certified...

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(514): View more from Quebec

She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.

(678): View more from Georgia

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH

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(369): View more from California

Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?

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(310): View more from California

Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

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(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.

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(813): View more from Florida

I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

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(662): View more from Mississippi

So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

In some strange universe, yes

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Who wants vodka and apple sauce

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands

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(618): View more from Illinois

the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.

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(516): View more from New York

I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight

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(208): View more from Idaho

i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box

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(936): View more from Texas

I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.

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(760): View more from California

You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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(347): View more from New York

i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(406): View more from Montana

I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(616): View more from Michigan

When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.

(330): View more from Ohio

Understatement of the year.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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(765): View more from Indiana

You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

(574): View more from Indiana

No I didn't. Whiskey did.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(949): View more from California

July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(314): View more from Missouri

oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...

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(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(734): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.

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(914): View more from New York

He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike

(1-914): View more from New York

Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(571): View more from Virginia

The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(914): View more from New York

He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?

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(516): View more from New York

He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.

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(818): View more from California

WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????

(781): View more from Massachusetts

5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on

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(914): View more from New York

Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?

(913): View more from Kansas

Is that weird?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(310): View more from California

This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There are cops on horseback in our back yard

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!

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(801): View more from Utah

Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.

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(207): View more from Maine

All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese

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(207): View more from Maine

Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have

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(954): View more from Florida

The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that

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(614): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it

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(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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(847): View more from Illinois

We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.

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(585): View more from New York

By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.

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(716): View more from New York

The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(770): View more from Georgia

When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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(925): View more from California

Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.

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(207): View more from Maine

I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo

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(510): View more from California

Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend

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(217): View more from Illinois

my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude our life is a booze cruise

(585): View more from New York

But without boats...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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(573): View more from Missouri

He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(786): View more from Florida

What vodka is american?

(1-786): View more from Florida

Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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(248): View more from Michigan

its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...

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(309): View more from Illinois

We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(785): View more from Kansas

What drink are we having for lunch?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year

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(408): View more from California

Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.

(919): View more from North Carolina

...yet.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course we have a beer bong

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how else would we feed our christmas tree

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(573): View more from Missouri

I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

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(410): View more from Maryland

What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?

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(818): View more from California

He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon

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(248): View more from Michigan

I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool

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(352): View more from Florida

Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco

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(727): View more from Florida

We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.

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(661): View more from California

Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(210): View more from Texas

please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours

(301): View more from Maryland

........yyyyyyeah that's me

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(254): View more from Texas

you are never too drunk for berry picking

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(916): View more from California

The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(323): View more from California

BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises

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(775): View more from Nevada

there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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(209): View more from California

we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song

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(804): View more from Virginia

Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Touche salesman.

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(207): View more from Maine

It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.

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(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently love is stronger than SoCo

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(352): View more from Florida

Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.

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(785): View more from Kansas

im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine

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(909): View more from California

No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

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(630): View more from Illinois

i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(574): View more from Indiana

No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.

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(416): View more from Toronto

But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures

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(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

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(904): View more from Florida

I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

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(914): View more from New York

I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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(415): View more from California

I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(620): View more from Kansas

would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(818): View more from California

I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record

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(951): View more from California

Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?

(951): View more from California

...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...

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(614): View more from Ohio

last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer

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(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(760): View more from California

It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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(760): View more from California

I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(512): View more from Texas

Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.

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(661): View more from California

And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(440): View more from Ohio

did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness

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(620): View more from Kansas

He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

21st birthday = success

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!

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(626): View more from California

Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

(1-626): View more from California

This is why you don't have nice things.

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(209): View more from California

Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!

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(805): View more from California

Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water

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(561): View more from Florida

We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99

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(319): View more from Iowa

Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....

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(863): View more from Florida

So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

(1-863): View more from Florida

You're a fucking train wreck.

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(817): View more from Texas

You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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(626): View more from California

The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking

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(972): View more from Texas

So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.

(281): View more from Texas

You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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(415): View more from California

I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.

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(818): View more from California

whose ass print is on the piano?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(631): View more from New York

She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat

(1-631): View more from New York

I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down

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(205): View more from Alabama

I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS

(205): View more from Alabama

THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT

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(208): View more from Idaho

I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

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(509): View more from Washington

I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.

(509): View more from Washington

Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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(914): View more from New York

He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?

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(510): View more from California

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.

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(845): View more from New York

Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?

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(913): View more from Kansas

HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(530): View more from California

We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(914): View more from New York

After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(631): View more from New York

I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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(305): View more from Florida

My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

(410): View more from Maryland

I didn't know

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?

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(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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(212): View more from New York

Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.

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(630): View more from Illinois

How much did you drink?

(708): View more from Illinois

Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(516): View more from New York

Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.

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(760): View more from California

You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

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(406): View more from Montana

Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(907): View more from Alaska

Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area

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(801): View more from Utah

New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes

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(812): View more from Indiana

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(928): View more from Arizona

You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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(323): View more from California

Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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(914): View more from New York

Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(636): View more from Missouri

We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(530): View more from California

So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(972): View more from Texas

The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?

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(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

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(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

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(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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(404): View more from Georgia

If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.

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(925): View more from California

It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

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(305): View more from Florida

One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.

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(260): View more from Indiana

If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine

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(302): View more from Delaware

His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

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(519): View more from Ontario

No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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