Texts From Last Night · kdub4's Favorites

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(817): View more from Texas

Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(443): View more from Maryland

This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(785): View more from Kansas

for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

That was an excessively violent trivia night

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(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked

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(551): View more from New Jersey

But break dance skills will only take you so far

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(512): View more from Texas

You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(207): View more from Maine

just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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(360): View more from Washington

So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.

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(734): View more from Michigan

There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(925): View more from California

I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

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(360): View more from Washington

You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building

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(858): View more from California

PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(647): View more from Ontario

I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(817): View more from Texas

Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...

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(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(+33): View more from France

Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(574): View more from Indiana

can anyone on this campus do anything sober?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...

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(302): View more from Delaware

Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(404): View more from Georgia

On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(917): View more from New York City

The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.

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(205): View more from Alabama

All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(801): View more from Utah

That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.

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(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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(205): View more from Alabama

How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(407): View more from Florida

Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(310): View more from California

Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

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(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(661): View more from California

Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(646): View more from New York

I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

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(513): View more from Ohio

There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(425): View more from Washington

Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(309): View more from Illinois

She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(847): View more from Illinois

All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

can u grab me a application

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

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(727): View more from Florida

please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

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(925): View more from California

I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing

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