I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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