That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
