i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
