Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
