Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
