i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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