Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
