my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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