you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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