what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
