my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
