I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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