she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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