The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
