hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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