i was born a porn star she said
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
