First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
