turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
