hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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