I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
