mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My dick has a subreddit
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
