Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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