Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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