Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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