Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
