she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I party with great urgency now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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