so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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