well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
