btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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