we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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