If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
