i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
