Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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